Walkin' Into Spider Webs

I quote the above line on three very different accounts. It was first brought to my attention when quoted by an old flame during a "serious conversation". When she first said it, I let it roll right by me, assured that it was just more of her crazy talk, like, for example: "You're just not serious" or, "Are you passionate about anything?" or, "Glooby dooby da da/Shooby dooby da da/sing song singin' a song". Then a few days later, I was driving, listening to the local HITZ station, when I realized she ripped it right off of No Doubt. At least she had the decency not to use "Don't Speak."

But anyway. I was just outside sipping an MGD Light, when I noticed that the spider living on my porch has started rebuilding. This spider, despite the fact that its brain is smaller than anything on my body--you read that right--has an innate knowledge of architectural principles, and knows that exactly what type of existing structure upon which to build its web. A 90-degree corner of beautiful white patio door to provide ample support for a prodigious nest. O, the multitudes of unsuspecting flies, gnats, mosquitoes....bees?.... that will meet an untimely death in her clutches. Unfortunately, the only thing she's caught so far is my enormous noggin on the five or six occasions that I've walked right into the fruits of her labors, brushed them out of my hair, and wiped them on my pants. But here she is, back up, spinning away. Her persistence is heartening, and frightening. I'm half expecting to see "SOME PIG" written in it one morning. But that won't sway me, I'm still gonna kill that Wilbur, and I don't even need the bacon; I just don't like him.



Thirdly. Several months ago, someone tells me this story about how somebody was dog sitting and the dog died, and somehow, she wound up on the L with the dog in a suitcase. The dead dog. This nice guy helps her up the stairs with the suitcase, remarking how heavy it is. Then the L comes, he pushes her out of the way, and makes off with the suitcase! I thought this was a pretty amazing story, and I was even kicking around the idea of making a short film about it. Then, my friend emailed the same story, that someone told him. It's not his fault, it supposedly happened to his friend too. So now that we know this story is a fake, do we go to our friends and tell them we know that their bullshit story is exactly that, despite still being a good story? Of course not. This is too embarrassing for them, and that would be embarrassing for us: them knowing that we know that their best story is a fake. O, the tangled webs we weave.